Like the Circles that you find in the Windmills of your Mind
by DaesGatling
Summary: A look into Rumple's mentality and reasoning in season four up till the Apprentice


They don't give their condolences. He just lost his son and couldn't properly mourn and no one gives their condolences. No one makes sure he's alright after spending a year in a cage. He held onto his son so tightly that he lost his own mind in an attempt to save him. He's been separated far too many times from his son and this time it's permanent. Baelfire's dead. Nothing can bring back the dead.

They're supposed to be heroes, and yes, there's supposed to be a newborn to get back to the hospital. A baby to reunite with its grieving mother. He can only think how ludicrous it is that Regina of all people makes a self-righteous speech to him when her body count is higher than his. And she didn't even LOSE anything! He'd like to point out that she'd be even more hungry for Zelena's blood if Henry had been killed but he doesn't. Instead he just…stands there while the heroes shuffle out of the barn.

Hours pass, no one checks on him. Not even Emma or Henry makes the journey or call to see if he's alright and they were Baelfire's family. And they're going to spare his son's murderer…because that what _good _does. It won't bend its rules and evil can just escape to wreak havoc again.

In that time, he's realizes what he has to do. And he hates it because it means lying to Belle. It means being the man that she doesn't want him to be again.

But he can't…live here, in this town, while his murderer either spends time in a cage or walks free. The way these heroes act, it'll be the latter. And no one will pity him because they like giving evil chances. Why should they pity him anyway? They gave him chances and he gets to live amongst them, why not Zelena?

Years ago, he was glad of those chances because it meant Regina would cast the curse, but now it was different. The heroes should feel some sort of hesitance, she killed Baelfire.

But he knew they wouldn't. So he does what he has to do...

As Zelena's body crumbles at his feet, he tells himself he did the smart thing.

After all, what did doing the 'right' thing get anyone?

An hour later, the newspaper journalist shows up to interview him about his upcoming marriage and asks how he's doing since he's been released from his cage.

Well, someone besides Belle cares at least.

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He was going to let Belle keep the dagger, he really was. He was going to be the man that Baelfire and Belle wanted him to be.

And then he saw the hat…just…waiting to be taken.

It would free him of the dagger…it would free him of the weakness that Zelena exploited for a year. He could still get rid of the dagger and keep his magic. Belle would be safe. The one person he had left could live securely if he kept the magic without the weakness.

At least that's what he tells himself. In part that's true. But he also knows about the nightmares that won't leave him alone. He knows about the panic attacks that plague when he's alone and it's too quite in the room or dark…or the vivid memories that hit him when something remotely smells like the Dark Castle or his prison in the cellar he was kept in when they arrived.

Sometimes he even wakes up at night unable to move and for a fleeting second, he's terrified that someone else has found his dagger.

Zelena's treatment of him traumatized him more than he lets on and while he loves his wife, he also knows that he's giving his weakness to another weakness. Belle can easily be targeted. She could be hurt in an attempt to gain that knife again. If he just switches the real one back to her, and she's attacked….

She'd be hurt and he'd be powerless to avenge her.

So he keeps the real dagger…just until he can find a way to charge up the hat.

He can't have a weakness that can be exploited again in order to make him hurt others.

He can't have a weakness that could make him lose the only light in his life he has left.

Of course, he could find a way to give up the power…but in this town where something bad always happens and everyone seems to be enemies with him…well...that's not advisable. Both of them would be dead a lot faster than if he didn't.

Keeping the dagger instead of putting it back in his wife's purse isn't something that haunts him for long.

After all, it's for the best.

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Henry is the first one of the family to see him, but he wants something. He asks for Rumpelstiltskin to erase his memories. Rumple's not even tempted to help with that endeavor. False memories didn't solve anything, just created a web of lies…

And he'd have both Henry's mothers storming in angry at him.

But that doesn't bother him really; he just doesn't want Henry to forget again. He'd forget what made him _him. _He'd forget his time here. He'd forget the man his father truly was. He sends him away without any guilt, and he's convinced he did the right thing.

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The heroes come in not too far afterwards, the way they storm in means that they need something. Emma's trapped in an ice cave in and she's freezing to death. The pirate, Oh Gods what is that arrogant ass doing here, tries to assert himself.

But Rumpelstiltskin can't help. He can't see Emma if it's an ice cave in. And if he does do something, he could hurt her. Melting it might send ice down on her head or drown her if she couldn't get out. He could transport the wall but something that big had to go somewhere…and if Emma was in the wall then she could transport right along with it, rendering his services useless…

He might be irritated with the heroes treatment of him…how they use him without letting him have a place in the life of his grandson but he can't bring himself to actually hurt one of them. Especially a woman Bae loved.

He doesn't help. He sends them away with some guilt….

If the hat was at full charge, he might be able to save her.

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The newest magical user in town is Elsa and she remembers nothing about how she got there. He's careful about revealing what he does know. He doesn't want to get pulled into the middle of yet another problem. Besides, he only met the girl that one time.

And he doesn't want to tell the sister that her parents came to him because they were afraid of her powers. No child should have to learn that.

Then the pirate wants to come back and demand that he do what Hook wants or he'll tell Belle.

He threatened Belle.

He threatened Rumple's wife and his marriage over the newest threat to the town. And not because Hook _cared _that Rumple was lying to Belle. He and Belle weren't friends. She was what she always was to the pirate; a means to hurt Rumple. An object to be used.

Rumpelstiltskin could just stop this now. He could go to Emma and the Charmings and let them know what Hook was trying to do. But they'd want to know why Hook was blackmailing him and what hold he had. And even if they didn't…he knew enough about their sense of justice to know that nothing would get done. After all, Emma _fancied _the pirate now. They thought he changed.

Hook claimed he'd studied up on Rumple, but that was a joke. He spent 300 years in Neverland chasing his tail. Hook was lying, he was grasping at straws and Rumple knew he'd made the mistake of giving him exactly what he wanted.

If Hook knew Rumple as well as he claimed, then he would know that threatening the Dark One was a very very bad idea. If he hadn't learned that with the lost hand and all the examples he could want by those that had tried in this town, then perhaps it was time for a reminder.

It was time to teach the pirate a lesson and remind him of his place in the pecking order of things.


End file.
